You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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