I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
