Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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