Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
