I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
