I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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