I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
