He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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