And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
