I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
