just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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