Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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