Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
