She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
