I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Randomize
