i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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