Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
