cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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