you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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