If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
