I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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