I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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