sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
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Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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