I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
