he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
