Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
