My girlfriend figured out who you are.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
