Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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