Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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