He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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