you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
