Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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