i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
