non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
