Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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