so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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