there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
