Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
