How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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