I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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