During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
