Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
smell my finger.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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