Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
