I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
