for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
