I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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