I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
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I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo