Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just invented taco cereal.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in