You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.