I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
