When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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