the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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