He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
