She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
