Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
